That’s not entirely true. I actually made some semi-cool paintings by just dumping acrylic on canvases and seeing what happened. I mixed some silicone in there too. It made some cool bubbles. BUT that was not “intentional” art. That was the kind of art a child makes on one of those paint spinners at a fair. Those were fun…
This drawing kind of started out as me wanting to do graphite art again after looking at Jessica Hayworth and Renee French’s stuff. Then I proceeded to utterly lack inspiration and just did this:
And then I mocked myself about it on Facebook because I’m nothing if not self-deprecating. I like my friend Kelsey’s response.
I continued to fill in the bottom of the page with my 2B pencil for another hour or so while watching a horror movie, and looked upon my work with little joy. Eventually I decided that I had to do SOMETHING with it even if it turned out shitty. I did this:
It is honestly one of my favorite things I’ve ever drawn. And with only two likes on Facebook, I can safely say it is one of my friends’ least favorite. But that’s okay. I think I’m nailing down a direction I want to go in, and I’m really excited about it. I’m tired of being “portrait girl.”
I’m normally a very bad photographer but occasionally I get a good one. Here were some nice ones I found on my phone.
My parents bought me an iPad pro recently, because I’d had my iPad 2 for 6+ years without damaging it (unheard of!) and they knew I was very envious of my father’s apple pencil. He never actually used it, so he gave it to me ^.^ and now I can make art on my tablet (and I gave my best friend the old iPad, so everybody wins.)
Here’s a self-portrait I did in about 30 minutes in the Procreate app.
I’m getting a lil bit better with my Caran D’aches. I’ve also revived my love for gray tone paper. This is the drawing that got me a commission, which then got me 6 more, so I have to thank it I guess.
Portrait of Aisling Bea, Irish Comedienne and actress.
Caran D’ache luminance pencils and prismacolor markers on gray tone paper.
One of my professors asked me if I would draw her baby.
I said yes and I did the thing and I’m super happy with the result but I am now in the world of COMMISSIONS. AND THEY SCARE ME. I hate pricing my art. Because it takes me a while and I use really nice, expensive materials that won’t fade and that means charging more. But I feel like the person is just thinking, “what? $50 for this piece of crap?” And I know the worst they can say is “no thanks I’ll look elsewhere” but I have this weird compulsion to have everyone like me and think I’m nice. Actively asserting that my art has value doesn’t really fit into that. There’s some big psychological issues at play here but the cliffs notes is that I AM GOING TO KEEP UNDERCHARGING FOR MY ART DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT MAKES ME FEEL ICKY.
My roommate/best friend and I are constantly debating where to eat (we’re that couple, minus the couple). We saw a “where to take your girlfriend to eat” flowchart today online, and decided to make one for ourselves using restaurants we actually go to and reasons we go there. I decided to make a nice, fancy version of the one we made on a napkin at dinner, using my newfound Illustrator skills. It’s not actually fancy, and I didn’t use much color because we were going to print it out, but it was a fun little exercise. I am putting it here for posterity.
I’m trying to utterly steal Bokkei’s style, so I used her medium: pastel. I’ve used them before, but for landscapes and for an assignment in which I had to painstakingly re-create a Mary Cassatt stroke-for-stroke, so I wasn’t totally sure how to do a portrait that was nice and blended (Cassatt didn’t blend.) I actually really loved it and had a lot of fun with it; I’ve been scared of opaque mediums in the past because I thought I’d make more mistakes with them, but it’s actually easier to go back over if you screw up. My one qualm was that it was very difficult to get small details. I had three different pastel types – prisma nupastels, rembrandt soft pastels, and faber-castell pastel pencils. The pencils were great for detail but they didn’t come in a large range of colors; most of the smaller areas were the same shades as the larger areas and therefore needed to be filled in with the larger pastels. The rembrandts are round, and I think that’s an incredibly stupid idea – you can’t get a small point no matter how you sand it. I ended up using the nupastels the most.
But I like my result. It looks a little unfinished at the edges but I like that. I hope I did Bokkei proud. 🙂
I’m trying to experiment with new styles, and I’ve found that the only image I don’t get attached to is my own face, leaving me free to be as experimental as I want without fear of screwing up. I used Derwent Inktense blocks for both.
So, the Brain House is holding a “neurodiversity expo.” I have a lot of issues with the word, and the concept of, neurodiversity. I don’t think my schizophrenia was put on this Earth to make more well-rounded humans. I don’t think it’s a gift or a superpower. It’s an illness, and I hate it, and I despise people telling me to embrace it, and acting like they know what it’s like because they totally understand because they have anxiety or whatever. But my bitterness could fill a different wordpress.
I decided to enter anyway, because I need both the self-esteem boost and the resume boost. My career in psychology is not going great. I got passed up for a research position which I had basically been verbally assured I would get, and I’m very unsure of what I’m going to do with my life right now. Grad schools don’t want kids who are unreliable but so enthusiastic they cry about it sometimes. They want a return on their investment, and I get that. So I made some slightly bad collages.
The first one is okay. I feel meh about it. I tried to visualize the feeling of depersonalization.
I like the second one. Yes, I know, Damien Hirst had a whole period where he did stuff with pills and I am horribly derivative. Boo. I still like it. It is titled “One Week,” because it contains exactly one week’s worth of my medication. All in all I feel pretty good about these because I created them without prompting and in a medium outside my general comfort zone (drawing/painting.)
So, I never work without a reference. It’s a Thing. I’m bad at visualizing things, and I can’t hold them in my brain long enough to get them on paper. But I tried doodling today (because I woke up two hours before brunch which was unacceptable), and I really like the result. I tried using a totally different method with the pencil than I usually do – I always hold the pencil sideways and do flat, overlapping lines. Today I tried holding it upright and doing little spirals, like when I blend my colored pencils. It looks really nice with the tooth of the paper, and I didn’t get that compulsive urge to blend it until it looks plastic like I normally do with my pencil drawings.
I thought about giving this an edgy title, like “Methotrexate” or “pain” or “voices,” but I’m just leaving it as is because I wasn’t really planning that when I started and also I am not actually 14. I haven’t been to Hot Topic in 6 whole months, thank you very much.